Strong? Ummm, Not So Much

I have no idea what strength is. Mainly because I thought I was strong, thought I was secure, especially when it came to my job. Rich Mullins sang, "It took the hand of God Almighty to part the waters of the sea. But it only took one little lie to separate you and me. We are not as strong as we think we are."

Not having a job is shaking me. I truly believed I would have that job for quite some time. Heck, I was good at it; a hard worker; I knew my job and I did it well; I even took a lead role every day. How will I provide for my family now? How will I take care of them? What is my responsibility as husband and father? Where will the amounts of money we need every month come from?

When you get married and have kids, you automatically sign up for things you didn't understand 100 percent. You sign up to worry and care, to cultivate and love, to respect and cherish, to provide and protect, to adore and challenge, to grow and change. But you never really know what all that means until you are waist-deep in a situation. And the situations are never easy or cut-and-dry. They're complicated.

I am generally a positive person, but every once in a while I need reminders and a little boost; like today, for instance. I was so sure I was meant to be providing for my family (which, it is true, I should do everything within my sphere of influence to do), but I'm really, really sure GOD is supposed to be providing for them. I'm not talking about throwing up my hands in a huff and giving up because, "well, that's God's job...I am supposed to just sit here and wait for Him to wave His almighty hand and make everything sparkly-perfect." Puh-leeze, that's laziness, not faith. It's not even biblical. I'm not saying there aren't times to wait on God, but every time he says, "Wait," it's always accompanied and defined by active waiting (like in Acts 1 and 2..."Wait/Tarry in Jerusalem until...", and Isaiah 40:31). In other words, there's always something else going on, something on our part that we need to do to prepare for what He will do.

I know to take work, labor and toil seriously because, not to mention at least half of the book of Proverbs, but Paul equates them with faith, hope and love (1 Cor. 13:13 with 1 Thes. 1:3, 3:6 and Proverbs 18:9, NIV). But when it comes down to it, God is the one who gives seed to the sower; He provides for you so you can provide for yourself, your family and anyone you want to bless as well. He is Jehovah Jireh, my Provider, and He won't let me think that I can take His job. I have been strong so long in believing that I can provide for my family, and just when it looked like it was getting good, the rug was yanked out from under me.

I had a great job and I was good at it. And in a matter of one day it went from "great job" to "no job". And--boom--just like that, I was no longer "in control" and "providing". No longer was I the "husband and provider" my family signed up for. And it really breaks my heart that I can't "do for them".

I truly know that it will work out and He will do something, but just maybe that is one of my lessons: He is my Provider, and I'm not as strong as I think I am. I not as invincible, not as put-together as I believed. One little lie separated me from my job; that's all it took. I am not as strong as I think I am, but God is stronger than I could ever imagine.

"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.'" --Isaiah 30:15

That verse cuts and gives hope all at once. Salvation is found in repentance and rest; strength comes in quietness and trust. Stilling the clamoring of my soul is not easy, so I would have none of it. Instead, I have strived to provide, only to find that it only takes one little thing for all of it to dissipate. My strength was not in trusting, but in myself. And I am not as strong as I think I am.

I want to be strong in the Lord. I want to rest in the Lord. I want to be stilled and quieted by the Lord. I want to trust in the Lord. I repent for not doing this, and I desire the grace and wisdom to carry it out.